Monday, May 2, 2011

Harder Than It Sounds...

You never realize exactly how much you talk to someone until you are determined not to. It's hard not to pick up my phone and text Cam when he would get an inside joke, or ask him a question, etc. But, I really don't think he realizes how much of a part of each other's lives we were (or are?, I'm not sure yet), so he needs to see what this is like for me.

I feel like he doesn't understand anything that's going through my head. I know that he doesn't care that I have (had?) feelings for him, but IT HURTS. And it's going to for a while. I need space and time, neither of which he wants to give me. This morning was the first time ever that we didn't sit beside each other in Lifegroup. He walked me over to the Nursery and then proceeded to ask when movie night was.

He seriously thinks that we can pick up right were we left off and my heart will be intact. It's not fair for anyone involved for me to remain his best friend. However, when someone has been in your life for so long, it's hard to break that routine.

I still can't really see him without wanting to cry. I'm not going to wait around on him. I know that he can't apologize anymore than he already has, but it hasn't made it any better. I know that he really does love me (in a best friend way) and he would have never done anything ever to intentionally hurt me, but I need rebound time.

I know you guys are probably tired of hearing all of this drama, but I just have to get it out, so if it annoys you, you might want to stay away from my blog for a while. This is life, and it's raw, it's rough, it's uncomfortable, it's hard, but I'm going to make it through. I have wonderful mentors who care so much about me that it fills my heart with JOY.

I'm thankful that I can be JOYFUL about some things in life even at a time like this.

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