What I Deserve

I hate being lied to. I hate any hint of deception. I am a strong person that can handle the truth, no matter what it may be, especially if the damage is already done. I know that I keep rehashing all of this Cameron stuff, but honestly, it is a lot to work through. A lot more than I ever anticipated. I've known him long enough to know when he isn't being honest with me, and he he flat out tried to hide things from me this morning.

I had some "tough" love from Tonia today. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without her. She always talks me through everything and helps me make connections mentally and emotionally. I realized how much I'm being used. I'm just someone who is labeled "best friend" but really I'm there in case he gets bored. It is ok with him if our relationship never changes, because in his mind I'll always be there, no matter what. It isn't fair to me anymore, and I have to respect myself enough to stop it now.

The other night when I left his house, I just felt so empty. Emotionally drained. He showed me the farm and told me he wanted me to come over during the day and hang out and see everything, but I'm tired of empty promises. I'm tired of hearing what sounds good instead of what he's really feeling. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of wasting my time, because that is exactly what I'm doing. I hate wasting time. I don't need another best friend.

I deserve someone who respects me enough to be honest with me. I deserve someone who wants to hang out with me because they like me instead of because they are bored. I deserve to be treated like a lady instead of like one of the guys. I deserve to be taken out on dates and be picked up. I deserve to be good enough, instead of feeling inadequate all the time. I deserve to never have to question where I stand in a relationship. I deserve to be looked upon as more than a time filler. I deserve someone who thinks I'm beautiful.

I'm still working on how this all is going to work, but something has to change. I'm not settling for less than I deserve.