Saturday, May 7, 2011

Somebody's Favorite

Before I really start this post, I just want to say that I don't hate my life, I know that God loves me, I know I have amazing friends, and I'm not depressed or anything. I like to use my blog as a "vent" space, because it really helps for me to write things out instead of just talking about them. So here goes.

I am a middle child. I am not athletic, outgoing, bubbly, pleasing, or anything else that most parents dream of in a child. I am the black sheep of my family. I like books and music and alone time. I am traditional to the core, but our family traditions change yearly.

This afternoon, I got into yet another argument with my parents, and I realized some things about myself. I miss being someone's favorite. My Pappy and I were best friends. I was his favorite grandchild, and I excelled at that. He always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was, how much he loved me. He called every day and asked how school went and if he needed to chase any boys off of me (which he never had the occasion to do). He showered me with praise every time he saw me. I loved him so much and he loved me. We were companions. He was an oddball and so was I. He was all I ever needed. He was my father figure, my role model, my best friend, and the only person in my family that I could be completely honest with free from fear.

My parents on the other hand have never made me feel like I was good enough ( I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, really). They worked all the time when I was younger, left me to do chores constantly, and never understood me. It was like they were always trying to figure out how to "handle" me. My sister and my brother were always above me. They still are. My parents were going to drive all the way to Tulsa this weekend to fix my brother's truck and mine has needed worked on for months and its sitting in the driveway. I made a "B" on a paper, first one all semester, and my mom was like well what happened? They borrowed money from me my first year of college so my sister could play traveling volleyball while I was stuck in a school I hated with no money. When I told them I was moving back home, they told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

When my Pappy died, they told me I was acting foolish because I was grieving so much. They didn't understand how much he meant to me. How much I got from him that they never gave me. I was perfect a being a grand daughter, but horrible at being a child.

I've never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and my parents remind me of that. They always ask when I'm going to get married and give them grand children. Or point out that my sister is going to have kids before me and tell me how much they adore my nephews. As if never dating doesn't cause enough self esteem issues as it is, they think it's ok to point out those things to me and to other people.

I can't even remember how many times I've overheard them talking about my "bad attitude" or my other "failures" in life. But mom always brags about how amazing Kayla is every chance she gets. I'm so tired of it. I thought we had grown out of all of this, but it keeps resurfacing. It's ridiculous really. I'm ready to be someone's favorite again. I want a husband who loves me. Kids who adore me. Someone who I love unconditionally and receive the same in return. I miss my grandpa. I want my parents and my sister to get it. I'm ready for my own life without being under constant scrutiny from my family.

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