~My Favorite Southern Things~

I'm not really sure why I was thinking about this today, maybe because of a conversation the other day with TH, but there are so many things I love about living in the South, and I'd like to elaborate.

1. Hospitality - There really isn't anything in the world like Southern hospitality. I love that I can be invited into people's homes and feel a part of the family. I love how kind people are to each other. I love that I can wave at my neighbor even if I haven't spoken to them in months. I love that people who you barely know or just met are willing to help you out if you need it.

2. History - The South has such a rich history of wealth, poverty, struggle, and triumph. There is something so unique about the identity of the South that is so captivating. So captivating, I'm thinking about getting my PhD in Southern Studies.

3. Music - I love everything about Southern Rock and Country music.

4. Accents - There is nothing quite like a Southern boy drawl. Not the redneck, I sound like an idiot accent, but the yes ma'am smooth talking, shy southern boy.

5. Literature - This one is the most fun I think. I love Southern Literature, basically because it's the history of the South in a million different stories about a million little towns. I just finished A Painted House by John Grisham, perfect example.

Basically, what I'm saying is, I could never imagine leaving the South, it's home and I love it. It's beautiful. It's unique. It's home.

~Just Let Me Go~

Just when I think Cameron has got it that I don't want to talk to him or see him or have him in my life anymore, he texts me just to chat.

Every time I'm working on forgetting him, he pulls that.

Why can't he just let me be?

Does he not know what emotions he tugs at ever single time he looks at me or calls me or texts me?

As if it wasn't hard enough trying to forget him when my entire iTunes library, church, and every thing in my daily routine reminds me of him.

I just want him to leave me alone.

~A Gentleman~

Webster's dictionary defines a gentleman as : "a man whose conduct conforms to a high standard of propriety or correct behavior."


Tonight I went to FOCUS Church at Second Street Live, and I saw a man, yes, a man, not a boy, that I've been friends with for a few years now, but we had kinda lost touch over the last few months. He walked in during worship and sat down right beside me, but it took me a few minutes to realize who it was. 


When I saw him, I was ecstatic. I may or may not have given him a really big hug, several times throughout the night. I realized just how much I had missed him over the last few months. He is a gentleman in the truest sense of the word. He's old-fashioned. He wears bow ties, but he also works on his '65 Mustang and loves being outdoors hiking. He loves Sinatra and The Beatles. He has the purest intentions when it comes to women. He treats a woman like a lady. He loves his mom and sister more than anything. He's respectful. He planned my surprise party and it was perfect. 


We talked for a long time after service, and caught up. Turns out he missed me too. After I got home, I started thinking about Andy Stanley's messages that I've been listening to on Love, Sex, and Dating. His main thing that's been sticking with me is becoming the person that the person you are looking for is looking for. Therefore, if I'm looking for a gentleman, then I need to be a lady in every sense of the word. One day I can have a man like Will, because men like that want ladies. 


More on Will later. 


P.S. We are having lunch very soon. His treat.

Good Stuff

‎"Giving up something now for something better later isn't a sacrifice, it's an investment" - Andy Stanley


This morning, after encouragement from Tonia to finally listen to something that I had been reading tweets on for 3 weeks now, I finally tuned in. 


Andy Stanley is my all time favorite pastor. Every time he speaks I just get it and he is so humble and in tune with what God wants for my generation. So I've been reading about this series about Love, Sex, and Dating that he's been doing for a month now and after Tonia blogged about it, I figured it was time to give it a listen. 


Finally a pastor directed a series to singles. I feel like singles are the most over looked group in our churches today, and therefore marriages are in shambles all across the country. Finally, someone stood up for morals and dating in a biblical way, instead of just for fun. 


I sat mesmerized for 3 hours straight listening to what he had to say. I could sit here and tell you all about it, or you could just give it a listen, which would be way better. Pass it on to you single friends, especially guys. 


It gave me encouragement that there are guys out there who are becoming men of God who want women of God instead of just a weekend fling. There are men out there who don't date girls who they know they would never marry. 


Be the person you want the person you are looking for to be instead of spending time waiting for Mr. Right. 


Me giving up someone/something that I've thought was so great in the past isn't a sacrifice at all, it's an investment for my future husband. I love him enough already to do that. 


Seriously, check it out. 


Go Here.

All Out of Titles

I don't even know what to call this post. Closure? Heartache? Anger? Disappointment? The list could really go on and on.

I got the dreaded "I care about you so much and I respect you enough to call and tell you that I'm with this girl now, and I wanted you to hear it from me" call today. I honestly knew it was coming. I want him to be happy, really I promise I do. He said he still wanted to go to movie night and baseball games with me and I finally put my foot down and said no. I refuse to be a bone of contention between them. He said he would talk to her about me and I said absolutely not. He said he would die if I wasn't his friend anymore. He should have thought of that before he started making bad choices.

After we had our "chat" he started talking about his life and all of these "goals" he had. And honestly I didn't even know who that person was. He has changed so much, and now I think it will be easier. I still care about him, but I don't want to be miserable anymore. I want him to live his life and allow me to live mine. He told me he wanted me to be happy and right now I think that involves him being out of my life. He told me to call whenever I wanted to see him. That's one phone call I won't be making.

I feel like a terrible person for saying that, but he will forget about me eventually. I'll learn to live without him, and we will both be better people for it.

Betsy Got New Shoes!

And by Betsy, I mean my car! I finally broke down and shelled out the money to get new tires. I honestly hate spending money on my car, but it has to happen, and I am so thankful that I have a tiny car that doesn't cost me nearly as much in upkeep as a lot of people.

On another note, I got to hang out with my dear friend Austin tonight! He is always so honest with me and we our relationship is super stress free. It was great to spend a night with a friend not worrying if I sounded stupid or if my hair was ok, or worry about anything. We had Subway and went grocery shopping and just chilled at his apartment. It was so nice. And the best thing about our relationship is that we have very well established boundaries, so there is no mistaking intentions on either of our parts. He's been so supportive the last few weeks and I am so thankful for him.

Another good thing about Austin is that he admits when he has faults and he says thank you. Like tonight he told me that he was so grateful that I was in his life at the right time last year to teach him compassion and how to really listen to people and remember what they say to stay in tune with their needs. That meant so much to me, because I didn't think that my message had gotten through his thick head (he agrees that it is thick :) ) I'm thankful that my words matter and that God allowed me to change someone's heart. It helps me realize that I can make a difference in people's lives, and that's just what I needed.

P.S. I have to add this funny story!
We were in the frozen food isle and this guy walked past and after he was out of sight, Austin and I both looked at each other at the same time and said together "That guy just totally checked you out!" I thought he was gay, but Austin stuck to his guns! haha! We laughed forever and made a whole lot of people stare at us in Walmart.

What I Deserve

I hate being lied to. I hate any hint of deception. I am a strong person that can handle the truth, no matter what it may be, especially if the damage is already done. I know that I keep rehashing all of this Cameron stuff, but honestly, it is a lot to work through. A lot more than I ever anticipated. I've known him long enough to know when he isn't being honest with me, and he he flat out tried to hide things from me this morning.

I had some "tough" love from Tonia today. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without her. She always talks me through everything and helps me make connections mentally and emotionally. I realized how much I'm being used. I'm just someone who is labeled "best friend" but really I'm there in case he gets bored. It is ok with him if our relationship never changes, because in his mind I'll always be there, no matter what. It isn't fair to me anymore, and I have to respect myself enough to stop it now.

The other night when I left his house, I just felt so empty. Emotionally drained. He showed me the farm and told me he wanted me to come over during the day and hang out and see everything, but I'm tired of empty promises. I'm tired of hearing what sounds good instead of what he's really feeling. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of wasting my time, because that is exactly what I'm doing. I hate wasting time. I don't need another best friend.

I deserve someone who respects me enough to be honest with me. I deserve someone who wants to hang out with me because they like me instead of because they are bored. I deserve to be treated like a lady instead of like one of the guys. I deserve to be taken out on dates and be picked up. I deserve to be good enough, instead of feeling inadequate all the time. I deserve to never have to question where I stand in a relationship. I deserve to be looked upon as more than a time filler. I deserve someone who thinks I'm beautiful.

I'm still working on how this all is going to work, but something has to change. I'm not settling for less than I deserve.

Girls Night :)

Tonight I got to go out with Jessica and Chelsea. It was much needed! Good food, funny movie, and Chels and I did some amazing singing on the way home. I've missed hanging out with the girls. I mean don't get me wrong, I love getting to hang out coed, but there is just something about girls night that makes all seem right in the world.

Do It Anyway

This song has been going through my head all day. It is about loving someone even if they choose not to love you back, chasing your dreams even though they seem impossible, making a difference in someone's life, going through life even when it is hard, doing your best, impacting your world.

I love this song. It is about so many things that are important to me. Love recklessly, dream with abandon, be somebody's everything, change the world.

Grades...

Grades came out today. Ugh. I'm so disappointed in myself. I got 2 B's and 4 A's. I know that is still really good, but I was really hoping to boost my GPA this semester, not lower it. I'm being a big baby, but I really wanted to graduate Suma Cum Laude, which requires that I have a 3.9. Right now I have a 3.82, without this semester's grades added. I'm not sure next semester even with perfect grades that it will work out. But I just need to be happy with that. I did the best I could without totally throwing my life into school. Although the B in my Jane Austen class really bothers me. I worked so hard. I spent so much time with that class. And it still wasn't good enough. Ugh. Not a happy day.

"Bu-ut Oh, Those Su-ummer Nights"

My summer nights have officially began! I cannot even tell you how excited I am about that. I love summer nights. The cool breeze after a hot day, the smell of honeysuckle in the air, driving with the windows down and the radio blasting, all these things make my heart happy.

I kicked off my summer nights hanging out at the ball fields watching the Hobbs boys play baseball. I must say, I'm actually starting to like baseball a lot more!

Since things are back to normal with Cameron and I, whatever "normal" is, he came with me tonight. I picked him up at his house, and that was the first time I'd ever seen it. It. Was. Spectacular. So beautiful, but in a surprisingly understated way. We went to the game and then went to movie night at our friend's house. We are all about movie night, and tonight we watched The Last Three Days. It was really good, plus it had Russell Crowe in it, and I'm all about that. He wants to hang out again soon. I swear he's going to kill me, but we are friends, so I guess I'll get used to it.

I can't wait to see what else the summer holds. Especially since I found out this week that my dear friend Brittainy is coming home for FIVE WEEKS!!!! I'm so excited :)

-The Help-

I kicked my summer reading off with The Help by Katherine Stockett. I must say, it was amazing! Basically, it is about black maids in Jackson, Mississippi, during the 1960s, who tell their stories to a white society lady. Ok, that's a horrible description, but I don't want to give too much away!

It really is a great book that makes you think about the way you treat people and how you think of yourself.
The movie is coming out this summer, so I will include the trailer so that it might spark your interest!

Somebody's Favorite

Before I really start this post, I just want to say that I don't hate my life, I know that God loves me, I know I have amazing friends, and I'm not depressed or anything. I like to use my blog as a "vent" space, because it really helps for me to write things out instead of just talking about them. So here goes.

I am a middle child. I am not athletic, outgoing, bubbly, pleasing, or anything else that most parents dream of in a child. I am the black sheep of my family. I like books and music and alone time. I am traditional to the core, but our family traditions change yearly.

This afternoon, I got into yet another argument with my parents, and I realized some things about myself. I miss being someone's favorite. My Pappy and I were best friends. I was his favorite grandchild, and I excelled at that. He always told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was, how much he loved me. He called every day and asked how school went and if he needed to chase any boys off of me (which he never had the occasion to do). He showered me with praise every time he saw me. I loved him so much and he loved me. We were companions. He was an oddball and so was I. He was all I ever needed. He was my father figure, my role model, my best friend, and the only person in my family that I could be completely honest with free from fear.

My parents on the other hand have never made me feel like I was good enough ( I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, really). They worked all the time when I was younger, left me to do chores constantly, and never understood me. It was like they were always trying to figure out how to "handle" me. My sister and my brother were always above me. They still are. My parents were going to drive all the way to Tulsa this weekend to fix my brother's truck and mine has needed worked on for months and its sitting in the driveway. I made a "B" on a paper, first one all semester, and my mom was like well what happened? They borrowed money from me my first year of college so my sister could play traveling volleyball while I was stuck in a school I hated with no money. When I told them I was moving back home, they told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

When my Pappy died, they told me I was acting foolish because I was grieving so much. They didn't understand how much he meant to me. How much I got from him that they never gave me. I was perfect a being a grand daughter, but horrible at being a child.

I've never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and my parents remind me of that. They always ask when I'm going to get married and give them grand children. Or point out that my sister is going to have kids before me and tell me how much they adore my nephews. As if never dating doesn't cause enough self esteem issues as it is, they think it's ok to point out those things to me and to other people.

I can't even remember how many times I've overheard them talking about my "bad attitude" or my other "failures" in life. But mom always brags about how amazing Kayla is every chance she gets. I'm so tired of it. I thought we had grown out of all of this, but it keeps resurfacing. It's ridiculous really. I'm ready to be someone's favorite again. I want a husband who loves me. Kids who adore me. Someone who I love unconditionally and receive the same in return. I miss my grandpa. I want my parents and my sister to get it. I'm ready for my own life without being under constant scrutiny from my family.

Healing

Healing is a process, and today, I experienced a part of that process. Cameron and I have been best friends for many years now, we both care deeply for each other, and would never do anything to hurt the other. We've been through death, divorce, awkward teenage years, and almost every other experience you can think of together. We've laughed together and cried together. We've never had a fight. Most importantly, we are there for each other when times are hard.

My goal was to not text or call him for a week after all this mess happened between us, but yesterday, I really felt the need to call him. The call was more for me than it was for him, but it turned out that he really needed me too. I knew he was having a bad day, because one of our friends told me. I felt so convicted that I hadn't called him before now. I know that distance needs to be part of the process, but I also know how horrible he was/is feeling about this whole thing. He can't apologize any more than he already has, and I think he was really trying to give me the distance I so desired. But, when I heard what had happened to him, I had to call and make sure that he was ok.

When I got off the phone with him, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my heart. No matter what has happened between us, I still love him. Nothing is ever going to change that. I know that someday we will eventually probably go our separate ways, but I don't think God is done with our relationship yet. It's going to be rocky for a while, but I'm willing to stick it out if he is.

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, so I thought I'd share our history together in photos so you can see just how long we've been friends.

Prom my Senior year

Graduation

Leaving for college

My favorite picture of us

His graduation

I could never throw all of that away for fear that my emotions would push him away. He has stood by my for a long time, and I should have never doubted him. 

Harder Than It Sounds...

You never realize exactly how much you talk to someone until you are determined not to. It's hard not to pick up my phone and text Cam when he would get an inside joke, or ask him a question, etc. But, I really don't think he realizes how much of a part of each other's lives we were (or are?, I'm not sure yet), so he needs to see what this is like for me.

I feel like he doesn't understand anything that's going through my head. I know that he doesn't care that I have (had?) feelings for him, but IT HURTS. And it's going to for a while. I need space and time, neither of which he wants to give me. This morning was the first time ever that we didn't sit beside each other in Lifegroup. He walked me over to the Nursery and then proceeded to ask when movie night was.

He seriously thinks that we can pick up right were we left off and my heart will be intact. It's not fair for anyone involved for me to remain his best friend. However, when someone has been in your life for so long, it's hard to break that routine.

I still can't really see him without wanting to cry. I'm not going to wait around on him. I know that he can't apologize anymore than he already has, but it hasn't made it any better. I know that he really does love me (in a best friend way) and he would have never done anything ever to intentionally hurt me, but I need rebound time.

I know you guys are probably tired of hearing all of this drama, but I just have to get it out, so if it annoys you, you might want to stay away from my blog for a while. This is life, and it's raw, it's rough, it's uncomfortable, it's hard, but I'm going to make it through. I have wonderful mentors who care so much about me that it fills my heart with JOY.

I'm thankful that I can be JOYFUL about some things in life even at a time like this.