We Just Wanna Be Loved

I know, it's cliche posting about love on Valentine's Day, but really, what other day of the year do we think about love so much?

Who doesn't secretly hope that the huge bouquet of flowers that is getting delivered is going to their desk? And who doesn't enjoy being taken out on a nice dinner with cell phones and social media put away?

It's not that we require these things to know we are loved, but that the person doing them does it because they love us. And because they want the whole world to know it to. We want to be shown off like a precious jewel or a priceless painting. While love in secret is special too, it's not the only expression of love that fills our needs.

Sometimes as a human, our greatest need is to know that someone will miss us if we didn't come home or to know that we a prized by someone.

But for those of us who have no one to come home to, no one really to confide in on days like today, when couples and families with children are huddled together in tight embraces, it can be cold and lonely.

Sometimes we get so caught up in thinking about the person we love, we forget about the people who don't have that.

In the end, we all want and need the same thing. We all just want to be loved. We were not created to live in loneliness. We were created to flourish in love.

So, on days like today, by all means plan special things to do with the person you love, but don't forget about those who don't have the same love that you do and show them a little love too.

I'm Blogging Again

I haven't blogged since I graduated. Which is sad. I have all this time on my hands now, and I haven't been using it wisely. I've decided to start blogging again, because honestly, I think it helps me stay on track and keep my sanity.

There isn't really much to tell about my life at the moment, except there is a ton of things that have happened over the last 6 months. But I really don't feel like sharing most of it. So here is to a new start, a new life, and a new blog.

Officially an Adult

This weekend I graduated college! It was such an exciting time for me! I ended up graduating magna cum laude, which was my goal, so I am incredibly happy.

I have filled out over 20 job applications. It has been insane. I have so far only been on one interview, at the Clayton house. If you haven't been there, you need to go. It is an amazingly restored Victorian house in downtown Fort Smith where John Clayton, Judge Parker's prosecutor, lived in the late 1800s.

I do have two more upcoming interviews next week. One is for the Times Record. I would be typing death notices, letters to the editor, and obituaries. Sounds morbid right? But I think I would enjoy it. That sounds odd, but those things are very important to families and I like to help people as much as I can in times of need.

My other interview is at ABF. I was hesitant to apply there, because I think it would be hard for me to get excited about trucking every day.  But, at this point I just need a job.

In other news, I bought a house. It has the potential to be completely adorable. It is on East Denver street in awesome neighborhood. I can't wait to move in! First though, we are doing some hefty remodeling. The people who owned it before used it as a rent house and it has been trashed over the years. At last count there are 6 layers of wallpaper in the kitchen alone. It will definitely be a project.

With graduation, a house, and the job hunt, I officially feel like an adult.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Last night I went to watch William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream presented by the UAFS theater department.

It was...interesting to say the least. I did however enjoy it. Mostly because it was pretty funny, but also because I got to have dinner with Lydia before the show.

Austin was in the play, so afterwards I called him to tell him what a good job he'd done and we decided to have a catch up lunch very soon! I'm so excited to see him and catch up on his life. It has been way too long.

It is supposed to rain on our camping trip. I LOVE rain, but not when they are forecasting a monsoon the day we are supposed to be soaking up the sun by the lake.

Speaking of soaking up the sun, I'm hopefully going to the beach this summer after graduation! I'm so excited!

Spring Break!

My plans for Spring Break include:
Not working Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday!
Going camping with my FAVORITE people on Tuesday and Wednesday!
Celebrating Tonia's birthday!
Going to the Hunger Games premier!
Starting off break watching a steam-punk version of Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream!
Attending Kyle's wedding!
Having dinner with Will! (hopefully)
And a little bit of school work with Cameron.

This is my last "official" spring break as a student, and I don't have huge plans like going to the beach or anything, but I'm actually really excited about the plans that I do have, because I get to spend time with the people that I love the most and that's really all that matters to me these days. I am so lucky to have such amazing families in my life that let me hang out with them!

We Need to Talk

And by we, I mean Cameron and I.

This evening, he told me I should move to Northwest Arkansas AGAIN. That makes the 4th time in a week and a half.

I mean, it would be different if we were married or heck even DATING. But we aren't. Does he not realize that if I did that, I would be that pathetic girl that just can't let it go? No, he doesn't because he's a guy and I'm still not convinced that he really knows how I feel about him. Even though I've told him and Tonia has told him.

I told him that I would cry if he moved and he just said "Why? I'm nothing special. I'm just a person." I didn't even know what to say except for "I love you and you are so incredibly special to me. I want to marry you and have your children." which would have been completely awkward and weird and uncomfortable on so many levels, so I settled for the long pause and the "you are my best friend so of course I think you are awesome" bit.

I also asked him if he realized how much we hang out. He said I don't know, not that much do we? I then recounted the 4 nights we hung out last week and lunch with my parents. He said it didn't seem like we spent that much time together. He. Is. Literally. Insane. And. Its. Driving. Me. Crazy.

We NEED to discuss the date, the flowers, and the incessant text messaging. If he has no intentions, that is fine and I will be his friend anyways and it would probably be a good thing if he moved, but if he DOES, then I need to know.

After the camping trip, if I can stand it that long, we will have a talk. It was right on the tip of my tongue tonight on the phone, but then he said he was tired and had to go, so who knows, maybe Thursday before class, maybe Monday while we are shopping for groceries for the trip, maybe after the trip, but regardless, WE NEED TO TALK.

New Experiences

After church this morning, Cameron came to eat with me and my parents. That was definitely a new experience for me. I was terrified that my dad was going to say something inappropriate or that mom would make things awkward, but they didn't and Cameron really seemed to enjoy spending time with them. Which is a very good thing.

Also, you know that house I was telling you about yesterday? I went and looked at it this afternoon. I really really liked it. Mom and dad, not so much. It's over priced and needs some work, but I can see myself in it. However, I will listen to my father because he knows what he's talking about. So the search for a permanent housing solution continues.

Growing Up

Have I ever mention how excited yet completely terrified I am of growing up? I know that I'm already "grown" but I graduate college in less than two months. I will have a real job with a real paycheck with more than one zero at the end every month (hopefully). I will be moving out of my parents house into my own place. I have a car payment, insurance, cell phone bill, and will have to pay for groceries on a regular basis for the first time in my life.

I. Am. Terrified.

Have I mentioned I get anxiety about doing things alone?

I have come to the conclusion that this is why God hasn't allowed me to be in a relationship or be married yet. I need to learn to do things on my own (with His help) before I can enter that stage of my life. I need to be confident in who I am in Christ before I can be confident in myself with someone else. I'm working on it and I'm so much further than I was this time last year.

I'm still hanging out with Cameron. A lot. No second date yet. But I think we are on the right track. Dinner with his little brother and sister, camping, and future plans make me feel like he's planning on sticking around for a while.

In other news, I'm going to look at a house tomorrow. I. Am. Excited. But. Terrified.

Say Hello to Spring

Today I'm diggin': 

V - Necks

Spring Dresses

New Makeup

Painted Toes 

Ben Rector

Sweet Texts 

Mr. Darcy Quotes

And anticipating a spring break camping trip. 

Hello there spring, it's nice of you to arrive! 

Last week was a week of firsts with seemingly more to come! I know that most of you have heard me talk about Cameron more than you care to hear, and many of you probably don't have the best opinion of him, but I promise if you read all the way to the end of this very long post, you will not be disappointed! 

I had noticed that Cameron had been acting different lately around me. Being around more, texting me more, all the things he did before the fiasco we endured last summer. I was to the point where I really couldn't do it anymore. I had made up my mind to talk to him about it and tell him it was becoming too much and give up on him after five long years of waiting and hoping that one day he would care about me even half as much as I care about him. 

Monday night, he came by work to give me money after I told him that I was going to take some pizza by for Brad's birthday, even though he couldn't be there. I thought that he was just doing something nice for Brad and Tonia since she had her surgery and we had both planned to do something for them. After he left, I got a text from him that told me that he thought I was the greatest person and had such a heart for others. After I read it, I was so angry that there were tears in my eyes. What kind of guy says that to the girl that he knows has intense feelings for him?

Tuesday night, we had planned to take a ride in his truck before he sold it. This is a long standing tradition for us with our vehicles, so I thought nothing of it. It was the statement that came after the invitation to take the truck out that almost killed me. He asked me to have dinner with his dad, new stepmom, and two of his new siblings. In five years, I had never done that. I was terrified, but I said yes, because I knew that if we were going to continue to be friends, I would have to do things that hurt me and I should just get used to it since I made the choice to stay with him. When I got there, he was outside waiting for me and took me on a walk around the farm at sunset. We then had dinner with his family, which I was so afraid was going to be awkward, but it wasn't. I felt so comfortable and they really seemed to like me. After dinner, Christy, his stepmom, was saying that I should come over again over and over. We then took her new car out around town, tried to break into Tonia's house to give her some get well tea, and had an all around great time. I went home even more upset than before, hoping that his family would ask him questions about me and make him realize what he was doing. 

Wednesday night, he stopped by the church and played with the kids with me and melted my heart. And it didn't help that my little buddy Beau didn't want to be separated from him! I think that little guy is an excellent judge of character! 

Thursday night, we went over to Brad and Tonia's and ended up watching a movie on the couch. I stopped and got him a cookie cake for his birthday as I had promised but had yet to do. I found out later that when I left the room he told Chelsea that I was "wonderful." He was so different that night. He was giggling like a little school girl at everything I said. I mean I'm funny sometimes, but not that funny. We had a pillow fight, which he never loosens up enough to do things like that, and he shared his cookie cake with me. He also sat much closer than usual on the couch, as we usually avoid all kinds of physical contact to avoid awkwardness. After the movie, I could tell that he wanted me to leave at the same time him, but I of course wanted to have chat time with Tonia, Brad, and Chelsea over his behavior. They were all acting strange too. I tried to talk to them, but they weren't having it. So I left, more confused than ever about everything. 

Friday night we had planned to go to the movies with Brad and Tonia.  I had texted him on Friday morning and told him I was going to get my ticket and ask if he wanted me to get him one, but he responded that he already got two tickets because he was afraid they would be sold out. Again, weird that he hadn't asked me first, but I didn't think too much of it. I ended up having to work late on Friday so when I got to Brad and Tonia's to meet them, they were already gone and he was there alone. I changed clothes and we left and got in his truck. In my seat, there was a card. He told me that I should read it because he thought I would like it. Inside was a beautiful poem about friendship that perfectly defined our relationship, but he had written inside "Thanks so much for always being there. Tonight's a little different though. I was wondering if this could be our first actual date?" I stopped and just looked at him and asked him if he was serious. He said he was. I was in complete and utter shock. Could it really be that the man I had been head over heels for for the last five years is asking me on a date? Yes. It's true. I was almost in tears. I asked him why now, and he said because he didn't have to pretend to be anyone else with me. Those were the exact words that I had been hoping that he would realize were true for a long time. We ended up eating at Chick - Fil - A because of me working late. He opened the truck door for me all night, which was so sweet. He said super sweet things all night, and I could tell that he was nervous after all this time. After the movie, we went with the Hobbs and the Walkers to Chili's were he and I shared dessert. We took the long way home and he dropped me off back at my car. 

After the date, I called Tonia and cried for an hour.  I just couldn't contain my emotion and excitement. God had such perfect timing that I could never even imagine. I found out pieces of the story that broke my heart, in a good way, and made me even more confident in our relationship. I always knew that he was an amazing guy, but I never could have imagined our first date being so perfect and him being so incredibly sweet and open with his feelings. Yes, the transition will be difficult, but I think we are on the exact right track and I'm so glad that I never gave up on him even though everyone told me I should have a long time ago. I can't wait for the second date! 

Now, I told you it would be worth it to read to the end! If that doesn't redeem him, I don't know what will! 

I FINALLY Have Time To Read!!

Now that I am on break, I finally have time to read books that I actually want to read! Not that the books we read for school aren't great, but sometimes I just want to read a book and not think of anything academic.

I'm currently reading this:

And so far, I really really like it!

After this, I am going to read all the Harry Potter books...again. They are just so touching I can't even begin to explain it.

Then, I'm going to see what the hype is all about with The Hunger Games.

After that, I'm going to read one of my favorites, My Antonia. It's a classic, and it's wonderful.

If you are looking for something good to read over Christmas, you should check out these:

These are all seriously good books and I hope that you have time to check them out! I cried in during every single one of them! 

Adult Problems

Now that I am one semester away from graduating from college, I feel as though I should constantly be on the lookout for a job for when I graduate.

I also feel as though I need to find a permanent housing solution for myself and move out of my parents house, even though I'm about as far from a moocher as you can get. I pay my dad every week for my bills, but I still feel like a little kid, sleeping in the same room that I have been in since I was 5 in the same house as I've lived in since birth.

I also got a "new" car for myself for graduation that I now have to pay for, so a steady job would come in handy now more than ever.

I call all of these my "adult" problems. Goodbye college, hello real world!

Overdue Post

I have not blogged in sooo long! Let me tell you, I miss it so much. It helps me keep my sanity, but I have been so swamped with projects and papers that I just haven't had two minutes to myself. The next two weeks will be rediculous, but I will not lose hope, because I KNOW I can do this. Then, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have decided to go to grad school at Tech, so excited!! I will be living here however, which I am even more excited about.

I was catching up on my blog reading tonight, and I came across Kelly's Korner post about being lonely. I can so relate to this lately. All of my friends are either married or soon to be married and I am no where close! I feel like we don't have anything to talk about anymore because they have completely different lives devoid of singleness, college, part time jobs, babysitting, and even my basic interests in books, music, movies, and TV. We used to be peas in a pod, all of us, but now it's like we are all separate, well really just me separate. They hang out and don't invite me because it's a "couples" thing. It shouldn't hurt my feelings, and I don't want them to not be with each other, but it does hurt. It hurts to be alone. It hurts to be different. It hurts to be the outcast. It hurts to be the one that gets texted only because of boredom. It hurts to only be the "best friend" in relationships with guys.

I'm not complaining about my life, because I am so incredibly blessed beyond belief, but sometimes its just lonely.

Project Complete

Yesterday, I turned in my Senior Project. Well, half of it. The most stressful half. I had to make an original 20 minute video over my paper topic. I was difficult, but I finished. Honestly, I wasn't that happy with it, but I showed it anyways. The class was amazed at how good it was. My teacher, being the non complementing male he is, didn't tell me I did a good job, but another student went to his office afterward and he told her I "set the bar very high for the class."

I am happy. 

The stress of this week has made me sick. Literally. I can't breathe, my head hurts, and I'm so tired. 

I decided to treat myself for my last semester in college. Next semester I'm only taking 9 hours and I'm going on a 6 day trip to Boston. I am soooo excited! I've always wanted to go to Boston! 

In other news, Monday is my BIRTHDAY!! I can't wait. I love birthdays so much! I will be 22. It's hard to believe another year has come and gone. So much has happened, but I'll save the remeniscing for my next post. Now, its off to bed with my meds and my remote. Goodnight :) 

New Room Post!

Ladies and Gents, it's finally here. The post I've been talking so much about. Pictures of my new room! Let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions as to what it needs!

Media Corner with my abysmal DVD collection. Oh, and more books :) 

My very own reading nook!!! 

I love everything about this table. 

Study Area. With more books :) 

The most important part of every bedroom, the bed! 

I feel like I have an "adult" room now! Seriously, I love spending time in here. Although, I do with I would have had enough room for all my books, but I love that I was able to put a ton of stuff on the wall! Hope you like it :) 

Most Annoying Thing About College?

Always. Being. Broke.

Mixed Emotions

As if I needed more stress in my life, Cameron is still texting me.

It's trivial really, but I'm just not sure how I feel about texting me about even the most mundane things.

I know I need to figure that out, but I just have such a hard time being mean to people.

I lived without him all summer, but to be honest, I did miss him. Not that Cameron, but the old Cameron. The one I keep catching glimpses of lately.

I know that's dangerous thinking and that's what got me in trouble in the first place. But at the first hint of me having feelings, I'm out.

Weekend in Review

Friday night I got a text from Cameron. He wanted to go out and eat and just talk. I feel like that is still touchy territory, so I said not that night, I was busy. Which wasn't a lie. I told him one day we could. I know that he's hurting from the breakup and he told me he messed up by pushing all of his friends away and that he was lonely. I feel bad for him, but at the same time, it was kinda his fault. Still, being the person I am, I feel like I should be there for him. Not in a best friend sort of way, but a "I'm nice so I'll help you out" kind of way.

Saturday I continued to decorate my room, I promise I will have pictures soon! I then went to eat dinner with my dad and then my mom joined us for dessert. I went to Kirklands, which I had a gift card for, and got this awesome vase with lights in it! I love it so much and it matches great in my new room.

OH! The most important part of Saturday? I. Found. My. Dream. House. Seriously, I am going to start saving now. Here it is, and it is just perfect for me!

I'm in love.

Happenings

I've been so busy lately! So busy that I've ended up sick, along with half of the people I hang out with at school. The "Holt Hallway Girls" are mostly under the weather.

In other news, I am the new secretary for Phi Alpha Theta! That is our History Honors society, and I'm so excited to be apart of starting this group on campus! Plus there are some super cute nerdy history majors in the group! :)

I also have developed an obsession for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is such a good show.

Well, I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to curl up in my bed, turn on the TV and tune out the world with my cup of steaming Earl Grey. Talk soon.

Birthday Wishes

My Birthday is officially less than a month away!!!

I don't know if you know this, but I LOVE Birthdays!!!!!

So, Bryan Adams just happens to be giving a concert in Fort Smith on October 10th, which is my special day.

I want to go so bad!

Maybe I'll get to, maybe I won't. tickets are a bit pricey and I just had to buy a new computer because mine bit the dust finally.

What would a Birthday be without wishes?